To Help and Back

Sunday Magazine—2007

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a soul in possession of a positive attitude gathers around them all their worldly wishes. This person, simply by changing their mental outlook, will amass a considerable fortune, a mighty castle, a beautiful husband, a strong yet tender wife. Some kind of jacuzzi bath, perhaps. With a positive mindset one can lose weight, conquer stress, even vanquish disease.

We’re continuously told about the virtues of “positive thinking”, but what is it and does it really walk hand in hand with happiness? Or goodness? Couldn’t I feel positive about annexing Poland, or bombing an embassy, or invading Iraq? Are not the tyrants and terrorists positive about their lives and destinies? By popular definition “positive thinking” makes no allowances for values; it encompasses a belief in your unbridled potential as an individual, coupled with unquenchable optimism and a determination to achieve your goals. The consensus in self-help seems to be that negative people are the enemy; parasites; life-terrorists.

Dr Marc Wilson from Victoria University seems like a happy guy and he can certainly see the benefits of being positive. “I think for a long time we’ve tended to focus on the bad things. We focus on depression, for example - why don’t we look at happiness? The reason is that we have stronger drives to find out the causes for bad things than for good things. And the reason for that is that bad things can kill us.”

So it’s a survival instinct, a throwback to a time when a nearby cave might contain a bear with a rumbly tummy. But is it that simple? If I’m driving should I assume that no one’s going to veer into my lane without signalling? Self-help mega-guru Anthony Robbins thinks so.

“… What’s gonna prevent them from driving over to your side of the lane and killing you? Nothing! It happens every day so how could you possibly drive with such uncertainty? You just have faith that it’s gonna work out.”


Yes, okay Mr “as I write this I’m flying to Waikiki in my jet-copter.” And what about kids? How long would they last without our “negativity”? Should we assume the silence from the bedroom is because they’re deep in prayer, or because they’ve found a way to wire the dog up to the mains? Most of our child-raising lives are spent anticipating disaster.

And what about work? Am I going to prepare for a job interview by spending 15 minutes in front of the mirror saying: “You are awesome, they will perceive your awesomeness like a PowerPoint presentation in their minds.” Or should I spend the time anticipating the tough questions they’re going to ask, like, “Where are your pants, Matthew?”

But I’m trying to stay positive, and I’m on my way to discovering the keys to happiness, thanks to a two-month deluxe banquet of self-help ready-meals. I’m seeking answers - The Secret, if you will. (The Secret, former reality TV producer Rhonda Byrne’s film about the Law of Attraction, has sold millions - amazing considering that the film is based on the simplest of manifestos: that whatever you imagine will become reality.)

The secret to wealth and power, it seems so far, is to write a self-help book based on a simple premise and then retire to your castle with a fortune of McDuck-like proportions. All these gurus use the same simple bag of tricks in their books, a set of basic rules to charm and enchant you, and to relieve you of your cash. If you’re serious about getting the best out of self-help and attracting all you dreamed of, it helps to know these rules.

RULE ONE: You suck.

I mean that with all human compassion. I know what you want: you just want a good lifestyle and a loving, committed relationship - like those two old guys from the cheese ads. And yet you only use 10 percent of your brain, did you know that? And only 1 percent of your Personal Power™ And only 4 percent of your AQ™ (Amazingness Quotient.) You flounder like a lonely penguin on the shores of love, weighed down by the black oil of negativity; you struggle to make ends agree to be at the same party, let alone meet. If only you knew how simple and affordable the answers to your problems are. All progress begins with a restless longing for a better life.

RULE TWO: You’ll suck less if you buy the book.

Once you’ve become dissatisfied (or “Disturbed” as Tony Robbins puts it) you’re ready to roll. Your local bookstore has what you need. There’s Let’s Not Screw It, Let’s Just Do It, by Richard Branson; How to Live 365 Days a Year (vital reading, I would think, for those who enjoy being alive,) and a book by Teri Hatcher called Burnt Toast. “Toast. You know when you’re trying to make it and you just can’t get it right? … Up until now I ate burnt toast, then I hit 40.” So much for a no-carb diet. But as a struggling writer I’ve eaten a lot of toast, so I can identify.

As a writer I also crave great riches, but I can’t afford the paradoxical luxury of buying my way there. Fortunately, the Wellington Public Library has a ready supply of improvemental literature. They have The Power of Positive Thinking; The Pocket Book of Affirmations—“Being who I am is good enough.” So true. The mythic Anthony Robbins has two books: Unlimited Power, and Awaken the Giant Within. I’m not sure I’m ready for unlimited power, (I hear it corrupts unlimitedly,) so I grab Awaken The Giant, because I am about average size, but I would like to be more.

For specific career advice I turn to the ludicrously comprehensive For Dummies series. Need to learn Neuro Linguistic Programming? Want to learn how to program eunichs? It’s all here!

RULE THREE: Not only do you suck, you’re also an idiot and a dummy.

… Yes, “Unix,” that’s what I said. They have a Building Confidence For Dummies. No I’m not kidding. They’ve have a Freelancing For Dummies but I can’t find a copy. But the library has Writing a Romance Novel For Dummies, by Leslie J. Wainger, so I grab that. I’m certain the advice is transferable.

RULE FOUR: Christmas is coming.

“Think of a kid in the days leading up to Christmas, looking at those presents under the tree, shaking them, trying to read through the wrapping … Your hero and heroine should feel that way about each other—only they’re not sure Christmas will ever come.”— Leslie J. Wainger.

Those who know me will tell you that my life essentially mirrors that of Rory Gilmore, from The Gilmore Girls. We are both wide-eyed idealists, romantics, forging ahead in the “dog-rejects-dog’s-manuscript” world of writing. Just last week, my boyfriend Logan Huntzberger asked me to marry him and move to the West Coast. Sooooooooo awkward. I certainly don’t have “The Edge,” (although I could be described as “edgy,”) and of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, I have only two: I’m pro-active and I have a “booty” that will not quit. (That’s one of them, look it up.)

So I’m far from perfect. Yet, the more I read this stuff, the more I become seduced by the idea of my own boundless potential. So now I find myself making lists of goals spectacularly beyond my reach. I’m sticking photos of editors in my journal. There’s David Granger from Esquire, there’s Mark Freeland, head of comedy development for the BBC. I’m praying to Granger every morning, willing the forces of the universe to compel his hand to dial my number. He won’t know WHAT the hell is going on! He’ll be like, “Wha … why am I calling you?” And I’ll be like, “Ha! You are powerless.” That’s the plan.

Meanwhile, Leslie J. Wainger continues to mould me: “If you were to visit my office, you’d be able to get a good idea of who I am: a confident professional woman who’s comfortable with a cluttered desk … You’d also see someone who likes to personalise her workspace with pictures of her favourite actors du jour, several ridiculous salt and pepper shakers, and a lot of monkeys.”

Awesome. I too would like an office full of monkeys. Until then I’ll have to do my own typing. But already I’m starting to reap the fruits of Wainger’s wisdom.

“Descriptions that go on too long can make your book drag. For instance, if you’re writing a Regency romance, your hero probably lives in a manor house, which the reader needs to be able to visualize … so start your description with the stately façade and a general sense of landscaping.”

RULE FIVE: Your mind is a magnet

Wainger would love the opening sequence to The Secret, the self-help industry’s answer to The Da Vinci Code. Several thousand years of human history are thrown down in just a few minutes. We get more than a general sense of landscaping, we get pyramids, castles, a scroll being given to a priest, the Scroll being analysed by an alchemist, the scroll being given to Aslan who gives it to Harry Potter, or something.

Entrepreneur John Assaraf, one of The Secret’s “experts”, says of the film’s manifesto: “The simplest way for me to look at the Law of Attraction is if I think of myself as a magnet. And I know that a magnet will attract to it.”

This is why it’s extremely dangerous to think about anvils.

RULE SIX: Desire is not a dirty word.

“Make ‘em wait. Don’t let them act on their attraction right away, even - or especially - if the circumstances seem perfect: a moonlit night on the beach, or a hot summer day and a pond just right for skinny dipping. Frustration feeds tension, so let them feel frustrated and drawn to what they can’t have.”- Leslie J. Wainger

To me, The Secret is just soft-porn for the soul. After 90 minutes of dangled carrots you realise there’s nothing substantial arriving, just the same mantra repeated over and over: "Thoughts become things." Setting aside the obvious logical barriers to believing in The Law of Attraction — why don't hypochondriacs or the delusional find their states magically becoming reality? — The Secret throws up more pressing moral concerns: is it healthy to believe that the universe revolves around you, that it's there to fulfill your every whim, that the huddled masses in the developing world have received their lot because of their "negative mind-set" that the victims of Hurricane Katrina "attracted" their suffering? It might be convenient to think that way, but it can't be right.

RULE SEVEN: We get by with a little help from our friends.

You wouldn’t believe the swamp of cack I had to wade through to find a quality local coach. This from one website:

"How You Can Get A Continuous Flood of New Clients For Your Personal Training Business Begging To Pay You Whatever Price You Want WITHOUT Spending a Ton More Money While Creating Happier Clients - Whether Your an Old Hand or Green Behind the Ears"

God. But I finally found Sarah Benge, New Zealand’s first and only Certified Integrative Coaching Professional. She’s a balanced, down-to-earth coach and she has a good handle on what works, and doesn’t. She even manages to be diplomatic about The Secret: “It’s just scratching the surface. It’s a little bit like Graham Henry saying to the team, ‘When you go out there on the field, kick well, pass well, retain possession, and that’ll win you the game.’”

Rugby metaphor. Brilliant. She must have spotted my finely honed physique. Benge grills me about my work habits (borderline obsessive) and my career ambitions (partial world domination). She helps me identify a few problem areas in my life: my “self-care” lapses, the mental carnage that unfolds when an editor says “Please furnish me with a feature on positive thinking. And bring me pictures of Spiderman!”

One of the critical things she helps me with is the core question of “positive” versus “negative” thinking. Benge says it’s better to think of “useful” and “non-useful” thoughts. Which is useful.

RULE EIGHT: Great riches will bring you great happiness.

“Contentment is the key. If you have contentment with material things, you are truly rich. Without it, even if you are a billionaire, you have nothing.”- The Dalai Lama.

“Contentment” often gets ignored in this field; there’s more a kind of restless hunger. Admittedly, Tony Robbins addresses the issue, but The Secret’s barrage of diamond necklaces and shiny BMX bikes seems designed to niggle at the wounds of discontent.

“What the most recent research shows,” says Victoria University’s Marc Wilson, “is that 50 percent of the lemon meringue pie of happiness is actually down to genetics. Tragically, only about 10 percent of it comes from our situation. So if you win Lotto, it will make you happier, but studies on Lotto winners show that sooner or later they return to whatever level of happiness they had before.”

You can imagine Teri Hatcher going, “Lemon meringue pie! Of course!”

Rule Nine: Success is at your fingertips

Success comes in seven steps, in just 30 minutes a day, for just three easy payments. Right? Well, no, success is bloody hard work. Sarah Benge had to work to get where she is today. I’ve seen you at the church jumble sale with your foldout card-table from the basement groaning under the weight of CDs, DVDs, rubber bands and balls, abdominisation contraptions and books with the bookmark trapped forever on page seven. You don’t look happier. So before you decide that Tony Robbins holds the key, ask yourself whether you’re considering his programme while watching late-night TV and eating snack food. Are you looking for The Edge when your body has no edges? If you eat well and exercise then the question becomes: Am I setting goals because they’re what I want, or do I want them because of the love and respect I’ll get from others?

“I have some of the most amazing friends and family who have supported me,” say’s Sarah Benge, “… and if that is a reflection of any of the hard work I’ve done then I’m already successful. Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I think a bit more cash would be super, but how would that feel if I didn’t have these incredible friends.”

What drives the self-help industry is the gulf between the romantic ideal we have for our lives and our real state. Feelings are both the prize and punishment for success and it’s the emotions associated with getting those things, rather than the things themselves, that we’re really addicted to. Alain De Botton, author of the book Status Anxiety, prefers a different word: “love”.

“Once food and shelter have been secured, the predominate impulse behind our desire to succeed in the social hierarchy may lie not so much with the goods we can accrue or the power we can wield, as with the amount of love we stand to receive as a result of high status.”

Once you know not only what you want, but the reasons why you want those things, you can begin to move toward your own happy ending.

RULE 10: You’ll get your happy ending.

Ophelia floated through her Regency garden like a cloud. Her face was calm, but behind the stately façade her young mind was flush with possibilities. She could be anything, the hooded stranger had told her, if only she believed. Anything? She knew what she wanted, and no sooner had she thought it than she heard the sound of hooves approaching. She couldn’t turn, she could only wait as he dismounted. Then, his breath, warm on her supple nape, then his hands, those rugged hands, and then … The young foals reared in the field. The future was bright, yes; of that, Ophelia was positive.