tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89080195849976395072012-02-16T01:43:39.010-08:00The Published Work of Writer Matt SuddainMatt Suddainnoreply@blogger.comBlogger191100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-76479845953466973582010-01-08T04:56:00.000-08:002010-01-08T05:01:32.947-08:00

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Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-38625686473532956082009-07-11T22:06:00.000-07:002009-07-11T22:14:35.908-07:00

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Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-46192719317351030402009-06-28T16:36:00.000-07:002009-06-28T16:40:15.110-07:00

[A profile on comedian Ricky Gervais. Sunday Magazine, June 28]To be honest, I doubt it’s even him. The voice on the phone sounds like someone doing an impression of Ricky Gervais doing an impression of David Brent. It’s possible he employs a team of sound-alikes for lesser gigs, like a comedy Saddam Hussein. I picture the real Gervais reclining on a crimson chaise in his Hampstead apartment—the

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-41402084855527813662009-06-12T17:36:00.000-07:002009-06-12T17:51:32.912-07:00

[From the series, 'Know Your Popular Country-Themed Songs']Written in 1969 during a bout of alcoholism and despair, Kenny Roger’s classic song juxtaposes an up-tempo backing with the tragic story of a crippled war veteran, unnamed, and his only companion, Ruby. The lyrics tell us little about Ruby, her physical dimensions, her nature and temperament, though most leading critics agree that the

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-80776495914348447392009-05-09T18:41:00.000-07:002009-05-09T18:53:50.622-07:00

To the stock-holders, staff, and concerned loved-ones:Well, it has been quite a year for the global economy, and for Acquired Immunity Group Incorporated. Sometimes I have to smash myself in the face, just to see if I’ve lapsed into some kind of sobbing, fear-induced coma. But no, I’m very much awake. You will be pleased to hear that our firm has had another astonishing quarter, generating record

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-53463846167929457072009-05-09T18:38:00.000-07:002009-05-09T18:41:02.676-07:00

2009 is going to be a very big year. There’ll be famine, zombie hordes, nuclear hellfire, all-singing-all-dancing tween-legions, Necro-Mutants, an outbreak of weaponised smallpox—and that’s just what’s happening in the cinemas. Of course there’ll be non-fictional challenges too: The global economy is poised delicately on the edge of the abyss, mother earth palavers in agony, and the price of

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-56172367821884402932009-05-09T18:37:00.000-07:002009-05-09T18:38:44.948-07:00

Imagine you’re sitting down to brainstorm a brand identity for the entire human species. What images would make your list? Bleeding Heart? Flaming sword? Chimp with an Uzi? Those are all excellent suggestions, but if you want an icon that captures the hopeless thrill of existence, the fact that we rise from dust, return to dust, and do a lot of dusting in between, you’d struggle to find a better

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-53330537286841082612008-11-26T04:24:00.000-08:002008-11-26T04:26:57.158-08:00

New Zealand. Luminous jewel of the deep Pacific. our national song is Black Magic Woman, by Santana, and our God is a Maori warrior who by night turns into a hawk, or so is my understanding. But in New Zealand (as in any Zealand) there are certain subjects best avoided in polite company, and certain opinions best kept to yourself, if you value your friends, and your health. But I’m writing this

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-89789616791631381892008-02-27T18:47:00.000-08:002008-02-27T19:14:03.466-08:00

Sunday Magazine, 2008Matt SuddainAs kids we were told lavish bedtime stories about the looming apocalypse: the end would come quickly, falling upon us in our sleep like a black, obliviating blanket. Reagan sleeps with the nuclear trigger next to his snooze button; the Russians are pretty much drunk all the time, and the nuclear early warning systems can be triggered by migrating geese or a stray

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-68999170260457216102007-10-31T12:43:00.001-07:002007-12-07T17:08:23.906-08:00

Opium Magazine—20072006-07 marks the 30th anniversary of the release of the album Hotel California and its devastatingly popular same-titled single. Many people have pointed out that if you divide 1976 by 30 you get 65.866 and that this is almost a spooky number. Don Henley, however, has always firmly stated that Satan was only employed in an executive role on the album. It’s time we took a

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-10803581715250194852007-10-30T20:05:00.000-07:002007-10-30T20:07:54.986-07:00

Until recently, and for centuries before, our fantasies were regarded as Satan’s “doings”: “Each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed,” spake the Bible. Great book. Our innermost desires were swaddled, then quietly smothered with the spare pillow of Judeo-Christian repression. Meanwhile, in the East, they were writing the Karma Sutra, and in Japan, the

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-66846185458728203512007-10-17T18:45:00.000-07:002007-10-17T18:46:20.339-07:00

I recently gave up coffee for a week and it was bad. I wandered around in a fog while angry hornets of ill-temper stung my ears. People whisked their children from my path and I heard them say, “It’s alright Marjoram, he won’t hurt you.” I did sleep well though. Coffee is a friend who shows up at my desk every morning and say’s “Right. What about a story on vocational choices for monkeys.” No

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-63409983083626520692007-10-17T18:44:00.000-07:002007-10-17T18:45:24.249-07:00

Sunday Magazine—2007Day 0. My last cup. I savor every inky drop. Oh, black ocean of possibility with your bobbing boats of inspiration. That’s good, write that down. Feature idea: read the ten great novels of the 20th Century and write about them—Ulysses, In Search of Lost Time, Clan of the Cave Bear.Factoid: Coffee was discovered by goats. According to legend, an Abyssinian goat-herder saw his

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-27440842473396920312007-10-17T18:43:00.000-07:002007-10-17T18:51:01.577-07:00

From the column Sacred Cows, Dominion Post, 2oo7 Thomas Carlyle said: "A Dandy is a clothes-wearing Man, a Man whose trade, office and existence consists in the wearing of Clothes. Every faculty of his soul, spirit, purse, and person is heroically consecrated to this one object, the wearing of Clothes wisely and well: so that the others dress to

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-43719583084336380122007-10-17T18:41:00.000-07:002007-10-17T18:42:19.210-07:00

Feature—Sunday Magazine, 2007There’s no shame in admitting you have a problem. That was your third phone, we’re not even counting the one destroyed by baby goo. Then there’s your keys, wallet, oxygen tank … we’ll discuss that later, your Venus Vibrance pink rubber jandals, your King James Bible, your mind, possibly. All gone. The pattern I’m seeing here is of general disorder mixed with

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-14704459028404871372007-10-17T18:40:00.001-07:002007-10-17T18:40:49.961-07:00

Things aren’t like they were in the ‘90s when your working day entailed being slumped over a steam-driven luminosograph for nineteen hours while your emphysemic factory-boss hurled lumps of coal at you. These days you’re not really working unless you’re taking two phone-calls while writing a blog and coordinating a charity ball for the endangered sea-badger via Palm Pilot. Multitasking is what

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-22417058162562607312007-10-17T18:39:00.001-07:002007-10-17T18:39:54.171-07:00

From the column Sacred Cows, Dominion Post, 2oo7.I can see the irony in the fact that I answered the phone and replied to two emails while writing this opening paragraph. I also have the TV and the radio tuned to a kind of hybrid noise broadcast. This, I believe, will create the mental distortion needed to reflect on the true nature of multitasking. As a man, apparently, I cannot multitask. As a

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-43846689012715703462007-10-17T18:37:00.000-07:002007-12-18T15:01:51.981-08:00

From McSweeney's—2007Hunter sprains ankle.Hunter’s son mistakes hunter for moose.Hockey mask obscures hunter’s peripheral vision.Through a bureaucratic mix-up.By osmosis.Through a government initiated job-share program.Hunter develops non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.Hunted learns hunter has ticklish paws.Karen Hunter marries Jonathan Hunted.Hunter finds hunted attractive. [Their forbidden love spawns a

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8908019584997639507.post-27485974947571112882007-10-17T18:30:00.000-07:002007-10-17T18:32:08.024-07:00

Sunday Magazine—2007It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a soul in possession of a positive attitude gathers around them all their worldly wishes. This person, simply by changing their mental outlook, will amass a considerable fortune, a mighty castle, a beautiful husband, a strong yet tender wife. Some kind of jacuzzi bath, perhaps. With a positive mindset one can lose weight, conquer

Matt Suddainnoreply@blogger.com0